|
|
|
June 18th, 2009
10:40 pm - THURSDAY
chicken in pitta
2/3 tennants super
wasabi peanuts
3 x white coffee
T= 250 + 350 + 250 +150
T= 1000
|
June 16th, 2009
11:37 pm - TUESDAY
1000 white coffee 50
1500 2 x chicken + salad roll 500
1630 1/2 piece coffee cake 150
2030 natural yog + rasp + blueberries 150
Late: whole bag of peanuts, choc spread on toast 1000 + 500
T=2350 EWWWWWWWWW!!
Done well the past few days, but didnt break through the hunger on this night. Must remember, hungry is just a feeling, thin is special special special.
|
June 15th, 2009
10:02 am - MONDAY
0930 small plum 50
white coffee 50
Plan:
lunch, 2 x apple
eve, handful peanuts + tennants or vodka
|
June 12th, 2009
07:18 am - FRIDAY
6am chicken and bread 200
8am black coffee
10am 2/3 Super T 300
2pm chicken and bread 150
black coffee
6pm small plum 30
water
1/2 Tennants Super 225
(Going out) 2x vodka/diet coke n/a
12.00 1/2 Tennants Super + spliffs! 225
(T=1130) NOT IDEAL...
|
December 18th, 2008
02:14 am - WED 17TH DEC
Sorry - 1280 wed 17th dec
|
01:59 am - WED 17TH DEC
cashews 8 100
coffee 30
cashews 11 100
cashews 3 50
mixed veg 411g 100 15mg V
sardines little can 6pm 250
1/2 balearda 9.30 180
cashews 1am 200 :( (felt sad - kinda ryan)
Total = 1280 bad actually.
but i been good for 3months :) (been here 3months)
|
01:46 am - new life
Now I am in Central america, i wont specify where.
I have lost 20lbs for sure. I eat sardines and mixed veg. Fruit, rum, and diet coke, coffee, apples, baleardas (local food - cheap), yeah, not much else.
The weight is falling off and i love it. Its been tough. People have judged. Its a little-ish, clique-ish place in a way and people talk about me I know. I mean, you know, when someone stops saying hi to you in a small town small shiyt must have been said. Whatever. I roll with the gringo bums. Old dudes. Awesome. One is a proper dog man, and i have a dog here too. He has a rottie and a german shepard, and another 'island do' simialr colours, skinnier build, little feet, but tall. And we smoke the dirty cheap fags, and we live cheap. So what? Its the time. The time to finish 'young', whatever that is.
I came here with savings to last what I hoped would be 6months, 6months of living in a nice house, and then going home with nothing. Then the dog, and fuck it, I'm staying for now, see how light I can get, ha, get the dog to a year old, and get us home, avoiding the 6month UK quarantine regs.
So. So now my budget has shockingly revised. I ve took a job, 'managing' a hostel, central in town, but the place has a batty owner and she's old, she wants out, the place is on the market but it's just falling down around us.
I live in a tool shed, but Ive sorted it. Bed, shelves, lights, mossie net, elec, (i am the office too), music through the office tv, plug in my ipod.
My dog is everything. I like being a hobo. It sure helps u lose weight :p
|
May 24th, 2008
06:53 am
This is a difficult entry to write. Shameful. Shameful that I have been so neglegent.
Boyfriends and heavy restriction dont mix well.
I was with someone who was my everything. 4yrs. Its over.
It finished a month or so ago, but dragged on a wee bit. But it is truly over now. To get through those 5 weeks, I jumped STRAIGHT into heavy restriction.
And I'm here for the long play now.
I have lost 5kgs in 5weeks. This is what I have found I can achieve and still hold down my job, still fool everyone around me, and most importantly, lose and keep losing.
Ht 5'8"
HW:135lbs 62kgs BMI:20
LW:115 52 BMI:17.5
CW:119 54.3 BMI:18.1
STGW:110 49.3 BMI:16.7 end june
LTGW:100 45.9 BMI:15.2 mid july - and maintain from then on.
Despite this looking quite positive. I have binged today because of work anxiety. I had a fri night shift, I work in a hospital emergency department. And the anxiety, and the fear of exhaustion have made me eat eat eat.
A chicken/bacon sandwich
PASTA ergh, of all things, before i left
And 4 cupcakes left out at work.
I am weak, disgusting, in mind and body. I dont deserve thin, I am a squealy piggy woo. A flabby, haggy ergch. A smelly, crazy bitch. But I am gonna try my hardest. Aim high, fall far, start samll, and build big.
I will wean off the binge. 1000cals tomoz.
Then Sunday I start 500/day till next saturday midnight
1000 next sunday
700/day mon-sat
1000 sunday
700/day mon-sat
Another 4kg in another 4wks is the goal!
50kgs by end of June, my lowest weight ever. Bring-It-On
Current Mood: bloated
|
May 23rd, 2008
11:59 pm
ND tonight
Got up 2pm
2pm coffee 50
7pm pasta bolognese (evil brother) 350
1am-4am 4 cupcakes 800
6am chicken/bacon S/W no crusts 400
Total: 1600cals EWWWWWWWWWWW
That'll be a gain day then :(
Current Location: At work
Current Mood: fat
|
September 26th, 2006
02:20 pm
Oh please, please, please. Help me be strong, help me stay strong. Why am I so hungry all the
time? Why can't I resist? Its been a month since I last updated and my weight has fluctuated,
but because I cant ever stick at my restricting, and always go and blow it on something horrendous
like ben&jerrys, or biscuits or chocolate, I am STILL 9st.
I really can't take it anymore. It gets me down so much and sometimes I think I just cant handle
being so obsessed with weight and self-hate. Its such a secret burden.
The valium order def didnt work. not sure why.
For the first time in my life, I have spoken to someone about my worries. I had a big fight with
the b/f and I had to admit what was upsetting me so much. Despite all I've been through with
mental health issues, I have NEVER breathed a word about food issues. Which was easy actually,
because until I stopped all other behaivours, diet control was not something I was into. I self
harmed and hated myself too much to envisage a better body/life for myself.
In the last couple of years though it has become a sleeping/waking dream/nightmare. All I want is
to be stable at 100ponds, or 49kgs. I want my BMI to be less than 18. Those are my honest number
goals, and I didnt refer to them when I talked to the b/f.
He goes back to uni in one week and I will have MUCH more freedom to easily starve and restrict.
And I will.
I WILL be less than 8st by Christmas, if I do nothing else, I will do this.
Current Mood: so gross
|
August 20th, 2006
10:44 pm - last month or so
Been so crap at restricting. I am so weak. I hate my body so much. I havent eaten for two days and I feel really stong. I weigh just over 9st now. The increase since my hospital stay has slowed. Now, I'm going to starve myself with a vengence. I will not cave. I cannot. I literally cannot carry on, continuously forgiving myself for caving in. I cant cope with the self-hate.
I ordered 90 valium on my debit card online a few days ago. I must be fucking mental. I cant control how I take it, I always end up OD-ing, I'm so hopeless and pathetic.
I have tried to order it online once before - I used my mums card and customs called her. I got in trouble from her, and had to give her the money, but I never got in an official trouble, and obviously never got the drugs either.
But now I cant even remember if I put my real telephone number in the form - I think I might have changed one digit.
For the next four weeks, every day I'll be waiting. And starving.
I love coffee and fags, and I don't need anything else!
|
June 9th, 2006
04:18 pm - Feel so hating
Spent 4 weeks away from home. V hard to restrict. Am very nearly 9st. It makes me feel so bad. I dont know why i need thin so much but i just do. I want it for me, so i dont revolt myself. so i can wear want i want and stand up straight. so i dont wobble. but also so i can scare people i think. why does that come into it? it is confusing. i think it is control. i think i feel i dont have enough. i am unable to self-harm as i am in a relationship. that relationship is kinda unbalanced. i do all the running. i worry, i preen, while he just lies back and gets blowed. we have the best sex ive ever had. but its the crappiest relationship emotionally ive ever had. weird. i love him truly, and i think i loves me. but hes a proper commitment-phobe.
Maybe if i get thinner and more beautiful he'll change his mind.
Anyways, ive been home for 24hrs and settling back into hunger. i have to do this.
Current Mood: fat
|
May 8th, 2006
12:08 pm
Gluttony. By god, i totally revolt myself. Unable to control my disgusting urges. Since i came out of hospital at 7.5st 3wks ago, i have put a stone back on. I dont care how irrational it makes me - but it makes me want to cut my face up, slice my fatty bulges, and take enough sleepers to never wake up.
I feel so gross. so bloated. my belly is fat, with food saturated guts. my ankles are puffy - too much salt? i dont know.
i look revolting, i must starve. starve starve starve stavre starve starve starve starve.
i fucking hate my puffy icky gross body.
|
March 18th, 2006
02:03 pm
i want to set up a really cosy environment. i have created a community. it would help me get people to join as soon as a couple of people do.
i want them to be like me. ed, self harm, half well, not too pink and glittery. but im not fussy.
this will be a community that is not pro anything but pro you. starving yourself, cutting, or encouraging healthier behavoirs is all cool. Ranting and raving, venting yr shit, is highly encouraged.
I want it to be intimate, where members are in and out all day. Im not trying to create a community with 100+ members. COSY, not high school popularity contest.
Anyways, created today, the LMK, LeanMeanKeen community. Hope i see you there.
|
March 2nd, 2006
01:41 pm - Really apologise for being inappropriate...
But can anyone sort me out some valium/diazepam etc. I will pay thru the nose. :( I am in UK
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
zillahspliffah's journal